The COMPLETELY true and NOT FALSE adventures of DENNIS TITO, SPACE TOURIST

Tito spent some time in space scouting his next vacation spot: Scenic HAWAII!

Not long ago, the world watched in awe as the first tourist entered the realm of outer space! Brave Dennis Tito ventured into Earth orbit in a decrepit Soyuz space capsule – an inferior product of the waning Russian space program. It must be just dumb luck that there have been no Soyuz crashes since NASA’s Challenger blew up in the 1980s, followed by two Mars landers careening onto the Red Planet.

Anyway, that’s water under the bridge. Of course, there is no water in space, but you get the idea. This is the story of fearless Dennis Tito, a unique individual, because his dream to one day travel into space was backed up by stable American currency – and lots of it! Before Tito, you had to be either a Senator or an Astronaut (preferably both) to get into space. Now you just need to have cashed in your dot-com millions before the stock market collapse!

Tito’s adventure really began years ago when he approached the faltering Russian space program with the idea of launching him up to the International Space Station. No doubt the first response he received was laughter: “HA! HA! You silly American! That Space Station cost billions of dollars, contributed by nations around the world! Even Russia committed billions of worthless Ruples to the project, not to mention contributing to years and years of delays! You’d have to give us at least 30 million American dollars for us to even consider it. Then there’d be committees, not to mention the international implications...”

Tito responded, “$30 million? Well I’d have to see how my portfolio’s doing....”

“Okay, $20 million, but you don’t get to drive!”

And so the fateful deal was struck. NASA was so angry they hadn’t thought of the idea first, that they drew a line down the middle of the International Space Station and said “if you cross this line, you get cooties! Nyah, nyah, nyah!”

To which Russia responded, “do you want us to bring you your oxygen refill, or not?”

“Well, we want the oxygen, but he still can’t cross the line. And if he’s on vacation, then we’re not working while he’s here either! Nyah, nyah, nyah!”

The delicate, subtle maneuverings of international dialogue having worked their course, Tito was free to be launched into space, thus proving that with enough government-subsidized infrastructure, just about any member of the Forbes 400 could bribe his or her way into space.

Before you knew it, Tito was rocketed up to the space station, and the American crew was happily sucking in the fresh Russian oxygen. Tito was miffed when the American astronauts refused to take his picture with the Russian cosmonauts, but otherwise, things went smoothly in space.

Tito giddily wasted away his week in orbit, lamenting only the fact that there was nowhere to buy the inevitable T-shirt reading: “My rich uncle went to the International Space Station and all he brought me was this lousy T-shirt!” He did quite enjoy the opportunity to spit in perfect spheres, and he got lots of “Earth from space” photos.

He returned to adoring hordes of Russians back on Earth. Perhaps one Russian citizen expressed the sentiments of the crowd best: “We just love it when America gets pissed off. It almost makes the years of being governed by tyrants seem worthwhile. First it was the Czars, then the Communist dictators, and now finally the gangsters run our country. At least the gangsters are willing to take a bribe in the interest of annoying those arrogant Americans! We love you, Tito!”