Americans shocked to learn that stock prices can go down

Utah resident Elias T. Nobnoddy was horrified this morning when he saw that his online brokerage account balance was lower than it had been the last time he checked. “In my six years of investing experience, I’ve never seen anything like it,” Nobnoddy reported. “I’ve worked hard to save this money, and now I find that the value of my investments has actually decreased.”

After a few frantic moments of scanning over his online brokerage’s home page, Nobnoddy learned that indeed his investments “May Lose Value.” “Has that message always been on their Web site?” Nobnoddy wondered. “Why would anyone invest their hard-earned dollars in something that could lose value? The concept is entirely ridiculous. I might as well just spend the money if it’s going to lose value!”

This reporter did a bit of investigating, and found that the Government has actually known about this phenomenon – that stock prices do periodically decline – for years! However, in what can only be described as a conspiracy, they have cleverly concealed this information in ancient archives called “books,” held in rotting edifices known as “libraries.” To access this information, the user must clumsily turn “pages,” reading through paragraph after paragraph of what seems to be a crude precursor to text-only Web sites. Furthermore, these “books” contain no animated graphics or navigational icons of any sort to assist users. Apparently, the developers of this “book” technology actually expected users to read the entire text of the book in order to acquire the information it contained.

After several minutes of laborious effort, this reporter learned that all investments in “securities” such as stocks and bonds do entail something called “risk” –  apparently a government code word for “can go down.” This reporter also investigated several online brokerages, and found similar code words peppered throughout their sites. However, in each case, accessing these warnings required the user to do something called “scrolling down.” “Scrolling” is an arcane way of accessing information hidden from view on many Web pages: to “scroll,” users must painstakingly click on “scroll arrows” which are cunningly placed at the lower-right hand corner of each window.

Not surprisingly, many Americans are feeling duped.

Thelma K. Hornblatt of Magnolia, Kentucky, certainly felt that way, but she decided to do something about it: she called the office of Alan Greenspan, chairman of the Federal Reserve Board. When the senior executive assistant to the senior executive assistant to Mr. Greenspan, Chase B. Waspy, took Hornblatt’s call, he had no idea what was coming.

“Mr. Waspy, are you aware that my investment in General Motors has dropped 25 percent in the last six months?” Hornblatt asked.

“Well no, I wasn’t aware of that investment in particular, but it doesn’t surprise me – the markets have been off this year,” replied Waspy.

“And what exactly is ‘off’ supposed to mean? Is that some sort of secret government code for ‘losing money’?”

“Well, it’s not a code – it’s commonly understood in financial circles.”

“Well, maybe those aren’t the ‘circles’ I circulate in, Mr. Waspy. How can it be that a regular television-watcher like myself hasn’t been aware that it’s even possible for my investments to go down? I saw George Bush give a speech once, and he said people should invest their retirement savings in the stock market. Why would he suggest that, if the value of the stocks was going to go down? Isn’t there a government program to keep this sort of thing from happening?”

“Mrs. Hornblatt, with all due respect, I’m not sure it’s the government’s job to protect people from their own ignorance. Investors have been well rewarded over the last two decades. Isn’t it reasonable to expect an occasional downturn?”

“Not when it’s MY money, Mr. Waspy. I’m going to telephone the President and let him know exactly what I think!”

Amazingly, the President was available to take Hornblatt’s call.

“I’m so glad you called, Ms. Hornblatt!” said the President. “This is the perfect opportunity for me to sell my tax break for the rich: I can claim it will make stock prices go up again!”

“What a wonderful idea, Mr. President,” replied Hornblatt, “that way you won’t have to justify the tax cuts on their own merits; you can just claim they’ll be an economic stimulus.”

“Exactly. You see, Ms. Hornblatt, sometimes it can be good for the stock market to go down!”

By David Munger