DENNIS TITO, SPACE TOURIST
This is the story of fearless Dennis Tito,
a unique individual, because his dream to one
day travel into space was backed up
by stable American currency – and lots of it!

Detainees fly home on Continental Airlines®
Not known is whether these brave
Americans earned 1000 Bonus Miles
by booking their tickets online.

Battlebots: The international ultraheavyweight division
Today's battles pit the Tridentosaurus against Sushi-Slicer
and StalkerPropBot against Not made in Taiwan.

World Peace achieved "World Peace was achieved
today, March 29, 2001, at precisely
9:21 p.m. Greenwich Mean Time."

Conflict resumes, World Peace ends "Chemical
distributor Tony Amato, 29, ended World Peace
today at 3:24 p.m. (9:24 GMT) when he shot
Indianapolis restaurateur Mildred Jones in the leg."

College Board unveils revised college entrance exam
The revised test was created in response to two
important flaws in the SAT: (1) stupid kids
tend to score very low, and (2) teachers tend
to use stupid teaching techniques to try
to get their students to score higher.

Americans shocked to learn that stock prices
can go down "The Government has actually
known about this phenomenon – that stock
prices do periodically decline – for years."

President announces closing of all U.S. schools
"Effective immediately, all American schools
will be shut down and converted
into power plants and prisons."

Survivor 0.5: The Missing Series "Most people
don’t realize that a U.S. version of Survivor was
produced before the phenomenally successful
Survivor I appeared in the summer of 2000"

The Amazing TIME PORTAL "This
new technology helps us confirm that
our existence is more miserable
than that of any preceding generation."

Social Security Death Match "Your generation
doesn’t want to give up the life that was handed to
you on a platter after your parents won World War II!"